Unraveling Codependency

The Real Cost of Growing Up in an Alcoholic Home

I remember sitting by my heater at night, listening to the wind come through. It was an old-fashioned wall heater that expanded from the floor to the ceiling, grey and talkative.

My nightgown was pink on the top, yellow in the middle, and blue on the bottom. My hair was cut short and was like straw from all the chlorine. I had a lot of freckles, which I hated because I thought they made me ugly.

There was this sense of freedom in listening to the hum of the heater and watching the magic of the gas light flicker.

I heard my stepdad’s truck door slam and that feeling of anxious energy would quickly follow. Was he drunk? Was he sober? Mean or fun? Or a confusing mix of both cruel and playful?

You never knew.

This required a keen sense of awareness of human behavior, always gauging facial expressions, tone of voice, body movement, and energy... all in an attempt to anticipate what may happen next.

What is the true consequence of growing up with an alcoholic in the home? How does it impact us in our adult lives? What can we do to shift our wiring so that we can feel safe in the world and free ourselves from the past?

Growing up in a home where addiction casts its shadow can leave lasting imprints on the mind, body, and spirit. As we navigate adulthood, it's crucial to recognize and address these impacts to foster healing and growth. Let’s explore the long-term emotional, physical, and mental symptoms that often arise from such childhood experiences and find inspiration in the resilience and wisdom that can guide us toward recovery.

Emotional Symptoms

The emotional scars of growing up in an abusive environment run deep, often showing up in the dysfunctional patterns in our lives. Where is life not going your way? Do you struggle with relationships, money, physical health, career, mental health, or unwanted behaviors that won’t shift?

For me, anxiety and fear show up differently than most. It looks like a huge smile and a sudden urge to run or party. When my stress response kicks in, I flee, often at great cost to my goals.

If unable to physically flee, in the past, I would dissociate or bury myself in binging on food, alcohol, sex, and other harmful and distracting behaviors.

The true pain left from the wounds of my childhood was so unbearable that I buried them deep under the weight of a large body, impulsive spending, and setting out to heal the world so I could finally feel safe in it.

Most people who grew up with addiction in the home struggle with chronic anxiety and fear throughout their lives. Studies show that children of addicts are twice as likely to develop anxiety disorders. The unpredictability and instability of a household with addiction can lead to a persistent state of anxiety and fear, often manifesting as hypervigilance and an inability to relax.

You may not think this impacts you, but this is where the Enneagram is a gift in understanding our behaviors. Each one of us has a different strategy for masking our anxieties and our fears. For some, it looks like perfectionism, overachievement, or people pleasing. As a Social 7, it showed up as a desperate need to flee and always having an escape plan. Crowded rooms? No way! I will navigate my way to every exit before I even walk in the room.

Difficulty with Trust and Intimacy

Trust issues and difficulties in forming intimate relationships can stem from repeated disappointments and betrayals during childhood. Approximately 70% of individuals from addicted families report challenges in forming and maintaining close relationships.

Emotional Suppression

Growing up in an environment where expressing feelings might have led to conflict or neglect can teach children to hide their emotions, leading to emotional numbness or outbursts later in life. Many adult children of addicts report a tendency to suppress emotions, leading to issues like depression.

Physical Symptoms

Chronic Stress and Health Problems

The body's prolonged exposure to stress hormones can wreak havoc on physical health, contributing to a range of chronic conditions. Chronic stress from a tumultuous childhood can increase the risk of developing health issues such as heart disease, diabetes, and autoimmune disorders.

Sleep Disorders

Anxiety and hyper-vigilance can lead to sleep problems, which in turn can exacerbate physical and mental health issues. Sleep disorders are common, with many reporting insomnia or disturbed sleep patterns. My own experience with insomnia lead to decades of relying on medication to sleep until I found meditation and learned how to reestablish a sense of safety at night.

Substance Abuse

The cycle of addiction can perpetuate through generations, as individuals may turn to substances to cope with unresolved trauma. Children of addicts are eight times more likely to develop addiction issues themselves.

Mental Symptoms

Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

Constant criticism, neglect, or abuse can severely damage a child's self-worth, leading to feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt in adulthood. Low self-esteem is reported by over 80% of adults who grew up with addicted parents.

Perfectionism and Control Issues

To compensate for the chaos of their childhood, many develop a need for control and perfectionism, which can lead to high stress and burnout. A significant number of adult children of addicts exhibit perfectionist tendencies.

Mental Health Disorders

The trauma of growing up in an unstable environment can contribute to the development of serious mental health issues. There is a higher prevalence of mental health disorders, such as depression and PTSD, among those from addicted families.

Path to Healing

"The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." - Nelson Mandela

While the long-term effects of growing up with an addict can be profound, healing and recovery are possible. In my coaching program, I teach clients to use the 5-step process to heal as fast as possible.

1. Define What You Want
2. Understand Where You Are Now
3. Recode the Resistance
4. Receive Intuitive Guidance
5. Take Aligned Action

"You are not a product of your circumstances. You are a product of your decisions." - Stephen R. Covey

Healing from the past is a courageous journey, and recognizing the long-term impacts is the first step. By embracing support, self-care, and compassion, you can transform your pain into resilience and create a future filled with hope and possibility. Remember, your past does not define your future; your focus does.

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