What’s Love Got to Do With It? How Your Attachment Style Impacts Your Relationship with Money

 A Childhood Memory of Financial Highs and Lows

As a young girl, I remember my parents having a tumultuous love-hate relationship with money. My mother often complained that we would be fine if only my dad paid child support, while my father insisted he did pay, but my mom spent it on herself.

The financial roller coaster was real in our family. When we were rolling in it, we were ROLLING in it. Winning and losing money became a bit of a game. One vivid memory stands out from when I was about seven. My mom, embroiled in a terrible fight with my stepdad, took our last $20, loaded my sister and me into a beatdown red station wagon, and drove us to Reno.

We arrived at a fancy casino (this was the Reno of the 80s, not the Reno of today), and she handed our car over to the valet, who was clearly used to much nicer vehicles. My sister and I were given a couple of dollars to play in Circus Circus, while my mom hit the casino floor. She would periodically run upstairs, buckets of quarters in hand, her excitement infectious. We felt like millionaires as coins spilled out of our pockets. That night, we stayed in a fancy hotel room and enjoyed prime rib at the buffet.

One minute we had $20 to our name, the next we were rich—or at least felt rich. It was a roller coaster of drama with emotional highs and lows.

Can you tell which attachment style I might have grown up with regarding money?

If you guessed a disorganized attachment style, you’re spot on! This was just one of many memories of highs and lows with money. Call it in, push it away when it got there—I learned this pattern from both of my parents.

Understanding Attachment Styles

When we think about relationships, we often focus on those we have with other people—our partners, family, friends, and colleagues. However, one relationship we might overlook is the one we have with money. Interestingly, the way we relate to money can be deeply influenced by our attachment styles. This connection between our early emotional bonds and our financial behaviors is fascinating and reveals a lot about why we handle money the way we do.

Attachment Styles and Money

Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby, suggests that our early experiences with caregivers shape how we form relationships throughout our lives. There are four main attachment styles:

1. Secure Attachment: Characterized by comfort with intimacy and independence.
2. Anxious Attachment: Marked by a strong desire for closeness and fear of abandonment.
3. Avoidant Attachment: Involves a preference for emotional distance and self-reliance.
4. Disorganized Attachment: A mix of anxious and avoidant behaviors, often stemming from trauma or inconsistent caregiving.

Just as these attachment styles influence our personal relationships, they also impact our relationship with money. Let’s explore how each style might manifest in financial behaviors.

Secure Attachment

People with a secure attachment style tend to have a balanced approach to money. They are comfortable with both saving and spending, and they usually feel confident in their financial decisions. This balance is a reflection of their overall sense of security and trust, which allows them to plan for the future without excessive worry or impulsive spending.

Financial Behavior:

• Balanced spending and saving habits.
• Confidence in financial planning and decision-making.
• Ability to set realistic financial goals and achieve them.

Anxious Attachment

Those with an anxious attachment style often view money as a source of security and stability. However, their fear of uncertainty and loss can lead to behaviors such as excessive saving or compulsive spending. They may constantly worry about not having enough money, leading to stress and anxiety about their financial situation.

Financial Behavior:

• Tendency to hoard money or overspend as a way to feel secure.
• Frequent anxiety about financial stability.
• Difficulty in making financial decisions due to fear of making mistakes.

Avoidant Attachment

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style may use money as a way to maintain independence and self-sufficiency. They might avoid discussing finances or seeking financial advice, preferring to handle everything on their own. This can lead to a lack of financial planning and potential issues with debt or inadequate savings.

Financial Behavior:

• Reluctance to seek financial advice or discuss money matters.
• Preference for managing finances independently.
• Potential neglect of long-term financial planning.

Disorganized Attachment

People with a disorganized attachment style may exhibit inconsistent financial behaviors. Their approach to money can be erratic, switching between periods of lavish spending and extreme saving. This inconsistency is often a reflection of their underlying emotional turmoil and confusion about financial security.

Financial Behavior:

• Erratic spending and saving patterns.
• Impulsiveness in financial decisions.
• Difficulty establishing a consistent financial strategy.

Improving Your Relationship with Money

Understanding your attachment style can be a powerful tool in improving your relationship with money. Here are some steps to help you create a healthier financial outlook:

1. Self-Reflection: Recognize your attachment style and how it influences your financial behavior. This awareness is the first step toward change.
2. Seek Guidance: Don’t hesitate to seek financial advice or counseling. A financial advisor can provide practical strategies, while a therapist can help address underlying emotional issues.
3. Set Goals: Establish clear, achievable financial goals. This can help create a sense of security and direction, reducing anxiety and impulsiveness.
4. Create a Budget: Develop a budget that aligns with your financial goals. This can help manage spending, encourage saving, and provide a sense of control over your finances.
5. Build Healthy Habits: Practice consistent and mindful financial habits. Whether it’s regular saving, informed spending, or seeking advice, these habits can improve your financial stability and security.

Conclusion

Our relationship with money is more than just numbers and budgets—it’s deeply intertwined with our emotional lives and attachment styles. By understanding and addressing the emotional factors that influence our financial behaviors, we can create healthier and more fulfilling relationships with money. After all, what’s love got to do with it? Quite a lot, it turns out.