Unmasking Your Inner Child
Jun 12, 2024
How My Daughter and I Navigated Part-Time Personalities
Recently, my daughter and I embarked on a journey that was both physically and emotionally challenging. She moved away after high school and immediately got into one narcissistic relationship after another, until the pattern became so painful, we agreed it was time for her to come home and heal. Watching this nightmare unfold, feeling powerless to stop it, was one of the most painful and powerless experiences of my life.
As we moved her home, I realized she had become entangled in many relationships marred by emotional and narcissistic abuse—my worst nightmare as a parent. This experience brought back so many memories and insights that I had to share, especially about understanding part-time personalities in relationships and recognizing when our inner child takes over.
The Turning Point
In the midst of our long drive home I jested with her, “Do you not listen to my podcast? I made it for you.” We laughed, but deep down, I knew that the patterns she had inherited from me were now playing out in her life. I had been working on these same patterns for the last several years, and seeing her struggle was both heart-wrenching and a wake-up call.
Once she was safely home, we began the real work—untangling the narcissistic abuse so she could move on. She confided in me about how she would freeze, feeling paralyzed and unable to leave, followed by intense rage where nothing she said made sense. This reminded me of her toddler years, a time of intense tantrums and emotional upheaval that felt like a battlefield.
Recognizing the Inner Child
The concept of part-time personalities, or subpersonalities, explains a lot about these reactions. These are distinct parts of our psyche that emerge in different situations, often rooted in childhood experiences. When her inner child took over, it was as if she was back to being a stubborn toddler, demanding what she wanted with unyielding will.
One particular meditation session revealed a part of her that was three years old, who felt ignored and didn’t understand why she couldn’t be around her friends anymore. This discovery was profound. It made me realize that her inner child was still hurt from events I thought were long forgotten.
A Shared Journey
When she was three, our close-knit friend group suddenly cut us off, leaving both of us in a painful limbo. She didn't understand why she couldn't see her friends, and I watched as her social spark slowly extinguished. This event marked the beginning of a pattern of social fear and rejection that haunted her into adulthood.
Moving to Oregon in 2009 after the real estate market crash only compounded her struggles. The trauma of losing her friend group lingered, influencing her social interactions and making her cling to single friendships rather than groups. This pattern repeated throughout her life, culminating in the toxic relationship she recently escaped from.
The Science Behind Our Emotions
Neuroscience provides insights into why we revert to our inner child during stressful moments. The amygdala, responsible for emotional reactions, is more active when our inner child is in control. Conversely, the prefrontal cortex, which governs rational thinking, is more active when our adult self is managing our responses. This shift explains why our reactions can seem out of proportion to the situation at hand.
Research indicates that up to 70% of relationship conflicts stem from unresolved childhood issues. Recognizing and addressing these issues can lead to healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Couples who work on their inner child dynamics report higher satisfaction and better communication.
Transforming Our Inner Child
The transformation began with awareness. My daughter and I started identifying triggers and recognizing when her inner child was in control. Self-compassion played a crucial role. We treated these reactions with kindness, understanding that they were parts of her that needed healing.
One of the techniques I use with myself, my clients, and my daughter is parts integration work. This process is profoundly life changing. We speak to the part, ask it what it needs and find the opposing part, ask what it needs until they finally see they both want the same thing. It’s like relationship counseling for your inner personality parts.
In addition, adult self-management strategies, such as deep breathing and mindfulness, helped her regain control of her life. We used these tools to calm her inner child and address the underlying issues. The results were remarkable. Her mood improved, she became more open to meeting new people, and her ability to navigate feelings of rejection transformed.
The attraction to the narcissist became confusing and she is now starting to see through the fog of manipulation, brain washing and love bombing. She is determined to grow through the experience instead of recreating this pattern over and over again. I couldn’t be more proud of her because she inspires me to keep doing my inner work every day.
Inspirational Takeaway
Embracing and understanding your inner child can transform your relationships. It allows you to respond from a place of love and understanding rather than fear and hurt. Remember, your inner child is a part of you that deserves care and attention. By integrating this part of yourself, you can create deeper connections and a more harmonious relationship.
Through this journey with my daughter, I witnessed how our inner child holds the key to many of our adult behaviors. By nurturing and healing this part of ourselves, we can break free from destructive patterns and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships. Recognize the signs, embrace your inner child, and watch your relationships flourish!
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